“Send me after him! Send me into the Fade!” – Lena failed to resuscitate Hauk. “I’ve repaired his heart but he hasn’t returned!”

“If he went to Sovngarde, there is no way back” – said Jowan grimly.

“He can’t have! Not that fast! I don’t believe it – I refuse to believe it! Send me there – I need to see for myself” – Lena was pleading now. “If he tells me he wants to stay, I’ll let him.”

“You’ve never been to the Fade” – Jowan was dubious. “You might not find him there, or the way back for that matter. I shall not be able to help you.”

Lena was kneeling over Hauk’s body. He fell in battle with the bandits, he wasn’t just knocked out – one of the bandits had pierced his heart. Hauk was dead. Seeing him fall and not getting up, Lena was filled with rage and lost all caution. Jowan saw it and thought she’d be next to die. He slit his wrist and cast a mass paralysis spell. Everyone fell to the ground, as if time itself froze. Jowan threw the bandits into the side chamber and locked the gate. Paralysis was wearing off.

Lena was silently crying.

“I’ve got to try. Send me into the Fade. If I don’t return, then so be it.”

“All right” – Jowan was giving in. “But you realise that someone will have to die to let you do it? The ritual takes that much blood, and I can’t give mine – I need to keep the portal open.”

Lena looked at the groggy bandits in the chamber.

“Is the one that pierced his heart in there?” – she said with a hiss. “Use him! Use two, if you have to.” Her icy look made the bandits stop groaning. “I won’t be praying Arkay for their souls. Sithis take them.”

…

Lena was walking through an icy landscape, struggling to stay upright against the blizzard. She could hardly see a thing. How would she find Hauk here? But she must try.

She noticed something ahead, glowing. A fire. She came closer. A campfire was burning cheerfully, with a pot of stew bubbling over it. The ground was warm, grassy. There was no blizzard, no wind. Hauk was sitting on a bench by the fire.

“Come and join me, Wolf!” – he called. “The stew is almost ready.”

Was it that easy? Lena was wary – she knew of the illusions in the Fade, of spirits and demons that would try to bind her and keep her there, Jowan told her, he tried to prepare her as best he could. But this was Hauk, he was here, alive, smiling, she could just sit down with him on the bench and never leave…

“No” – she said, backing into the blizzard again. “You are not Hauk” – she sounded uncertain.

“Oh but I am!” – said Hauk, taking off his cuirass. “Look – here is the scar where you fixed my heart.”

Lena took a step forward against her will. She had to see it, touch it, be sure.

“Come” – Hauk took her hand, pulling her gently towards him. “Kiss me.”

“No, you are not Hauk!” – Lena screamed. “He’d never say that, never like this!”

She jumped back.

Hauk’s face changed, he grew taller, he had a whip. It wasn’t Hauk.

“You dare resist me, mortal?!” – the demon cried with Hauk’s voice. He cracked the whip.

Lena ran into the blizzard.

…

“‘You won’t be able to fight in there as you are used to'” – Jowan’s voice sounded in her head. “‘You won’t have your weapons’ – that’s what he said” – she thought trying to figure out what to do. “But magic? What about magic? What did he say about magic? ‘Spells might not work the way you’d expect.’ Oh” – she recalled. The danger she was in, started to dawn upon her. And the fact that she would probably wander in the Fade forever. Jowan wasn’t exaggerating.

The blizzard lightened up, she saw a cave. Snowberries were growing by the entrance, bright red against the snow.

“As red as the blood I spilled in Whiterun that night” – Lucien came out of the cave. “Come inside.”

She entered.

It was Fort Farragut.

“Come, let’s have dinner” – Lucien waved towards the table. He walked over to the fire, started taking roast off the spit. “Ham or mutton?”

“Mutton with orange chutney, please…” – Lena murmured, recalling this scene. “You are not Lucien.”

“Am I not?” – Lucien turned around, smiling. “But I am an assassin, sister.”

He bared his dagger, advancing.

Instinctively, Lena drew her Sufferthorn. Wait, Jowan said she wouldn’t have any weapons, so how..?

She was holding flowers – goldenrod, morning glory, lily of the valley, blue hyacinth.

“Ah, you kept my flowers” – Lucien said, his dagger vanishing. He was now close, pulling her into an embrace. “I love you.” He kissed her.

“Lucien…” – she could hear herself say, or think. She so longed for him. At last…

“No, you are here to rescue Hauk, and this is not Lucien anyway” – a voice said in her head. “Lucien would never do that!”

She brushed the voice away. She didn’t care.

“No, wake up!!” – the voice was getting stronger. “Now!”

A sharp pain in her neck made her jerk. A vampire.

She tore herself away, pushing the vampire with all her force. Her neck was bleeding profusely, a chunk missing. The vampire looked famished, his hunger fuelled by the sight of fresh blood.

“Run!!!” – the voice screamed in her head. She ran.

She was back in the blizzard, there was no cave and her neck wasn’t bleeding. “Hauk, where are you?” – she thought looking around. Every direction looked the same.

…

“Stay sharp” – a voice said behind her. She twisted around. Hadvar. “Come on – this way.”

Hadvar beckoned her to follow, he seemed to know where he was going. She followed.

They walked through the blizzard for a while, Hadvar leading, Lena not seeing how he knew the way. But Skyrim was his home, so she figured, he must have ways. They came to a crypt.

“In here” – he said. “I’ve set up camp, we can wait out the blizzard.”

Lena was tired, frostbitten and hungry, so she agreed. She could not go back into the blizzard now anyway, she’d just die there. Hadvar passed her a bowl of stew.

“What are you doing back in Skyrim?” – he asked. “Not joining the Stormcloaks, I hope?” The polish on his Legion armour was reflecting the fire.

“Stormcloaks? No, not me” – Lena answered, eating and sensing that something was odd. But what?

“General Talius will have them all hang one day” – Hadvar said, looking straight at her. “The Legion always prevails.”

“Where is Hauk?” – Lena asked, surprising herself. She didn’t expect an answer.

“Oh, he was here” – Hadvar replied. “He wanted to stay in this crypt, but I told him it wasn’t his time.”

“What?!” – Lena jumped up. “So where did he go?”

“Back out” – a draugr was sitting where Hadvar had been. “To Sovngarde.”

Lena ran towards the exit, then returned. Something that draugr had said…

“It wasn’t his time, you said?” – she turned to the draugr.

“Sit down” – he resumed stirring the stew. “There is no rush, he won’t get there yet.” The draugr’s piercing blue eyes were fixed on Lena’s. “Why have you come?”

“I…” – Lena started, uncertain. “He fell in battle, and I was too late to bring him back.”

“Then you must let him go” – the draugr said. “A Nord must die in battle.”

“Perhaps, but not yet – it is not his time, you said it yourself!” – Lena felt that the draugr was tricking her.

“And who are you to him to demand his return?” – the draugr’s gaze was hard to bare.

“I…” – she stumbled. “‘Wolf is not ready to make any choices or decisions yet, it’s not the time'” – Hauk’s voice sounded in her head. Was it the time to make decisions now? Here, in the Fade?

“No, it’s not the time” – another voice said in her head. “Get up and leave – this draugr won’t help you.”

“I am his friend, and I shall find him” – she said firmly and got up. The draugr followed her with his icy blue gaze.

…

The blizzard had stopped. A bright aurora was colouring the sky green, reflecting in the ice. The moons made the night into day. Lena was standing on a mountain top, overlooking the land below. She saw a camp by the water, with people gathered around the fire. She hoped they were hunters rather than bandits, and approached.

Several people sat by the fire, chatting and passing mead around. She saw Hauk – a pretty Dunmer girl was next to him, he was holding her close. They kissed, then went into a tent, lowering the door flap.

“They’ve been at it for days now” – one of the hunters said, looking at Lena. “Come and sit with us, you can wait for him if you like, but it might be all night” – he laughed, winking at her.

She sat down. What was she going to do? She had no claims on Hauk, she couldn’t deny him a romance if that’s what he wanted… Those slanted sanguine eyes always made him melt…

“What, here, in the Fade?” – a voice in her head sounded sceptical. “A bit too convenient, don’t you think?”

“A Desire Demon?” – she thought, recalling Jowan warning her about them. “I think I met two of them already…” – she blushed to herself. “But if that’s a demon there in the tent, then is that the real Hauk that she’s seducing?”

“Or perhaps the whole scene is entirely for your benefit?” – the voice suggested. “A Rage Demon trying to get you jealous? A Despair Demon trying to make you give up?”

Was there a way to tell?

She looked at the hunters. They were chatting, drinking mead, roasting slaughterfish and salmon, and not paying her any attention. Wait, one was different… White hair… Amber eyes… Cat eyes…

“Come with me” – he said, pointing at another tent. “You asked for help at your practice” – he smiled, fingering his wolf medallion. “I am at your service.”

She knew him, she was sure she knew him, but how? She could not recall. She was drawn to him… Another Desire Demon? She wasn’t sure… she had to follow.

“I can teach you to fight better than anyone, I can make you into the Ultimate Assassin, I can give you more magicka than you can imagine, even rid you of the curse of the Apprentice” – the man with cat eyes said. “And of course” – he snapped his fingers – “I can give you any luxury you could possibly dream of.” The barren tent was now overflowing with velvets and silks, fruit, wine, fine food – anything. “Just say the word. And you can have it all – there is no need to choose” – he smiled, inviting her to join him on the cushions.

“No need to choose..?” – Lena repeated, looking at him. “And what would you want in return?”

“Nothing!” – he laughed. “Stay here, enjoy yourself, learn, grow, or just relax and lay back – it’s your life! Have it all.”

“And… what about my friends?” – Lena was fighting a nagging feeling that something was off.

“Friends?” – the man looked at her in disbelief. “You mean the ones that thrust you here without a way out? Or the ones that turned away because you were a vampire? Or may be the ones that just wanted you in bed? Because why else would they bother? Which ones do you mean?”

A string of memories rushed through Lena’s mind. Yes, she knew exactly who he was referring to. But wait, was it really that bad? What about… this other guy… what was his name again? Why was she here anyway? And where was “here”?

“Here is in this tent in Skyrim” – the man answered, as if he’d read her thoughts. “Your face speaks volumes – I don’t read minds” – he smiled.

It all made sense now. She was lost, but now she found a place where she was wanted. The man was nice, he wasn’t making advances, he was offering her food and drink, books to read and spells to learn. Why not stay a while. Relax.

She let herself fall on the cushions and closed her eyes.